I am tired of Agent Storm’s harassment. I wish to lodge an official report. He is hampering my efforts to gain freedom by digging a tunnel. He continually harangues me. Agent Luna makes absolutely no attempt to assist me, as she is too lazy. Agent Pica is too frightened of him to be of any help. She is useless. I try to stand up to him, but he is bigger than I am. We end up screaming at each other, which brings the jailers. They will find my tunnel, if I am not careful. I do my best to avoid Agent Storm but he insists on sticking his nose into my project. I feel that his presence here is detrimental to our efforts to perform our tasks and, respectfully request that he be reposted, preferably some place completely inhospitable.
I am not really frightened of Agent Storm. I just give him a lot of respect. After all, he is big and much stronger than I am. He could easily flatten me without even trying. Of course, I know that he wouldn’t dream of doing so. As for Agent Trouble’s tunnel, I haven’t seen any evidence of it, not that I have really looked. I, too, think that Agent Luna exhibits a certain amount of laziness, but I don’t think she is anymore lazy than any of the rest of us.
My own work involves monitoring the back outside. There are birds that prance tauntingly on the overhang of the deck. I can’t see them, so I can’t say for certainty which kind of bird they are. I have noticed that the female jailor is becoming lazy herself. It grows harder and harder to get her to get up in the mornings and feed us. I have been taking turns with Agent Luna in this activity.
I am not lazy. I resent those charges. I have said it before, I am saying it again and I will continue to say that I am not sleeping on the job. I am gathering information. The jailors often talk in front of sleeping cats, and I am attempting to catch them making their plans. It is my job, after all, to get information that we can use in any escape attempt. So far, the jailors have not talked of any weaknesses in the prison system, except to mention that the back door needs some sort of bolstering in order to secure it. They have done nothing to the door beyond keeping the inner door closed, which makes the room with the two litter boxes warm, stuffy and a trifle smelly.
What she laughingly calls her tunnel is nothing more than scratches in the linoleum. I am not hampering her in anything. She just wants an excuse to hide in the closet and do nothing. I am the one who is watching the jailers in the hope of finding a way to escape. Our best bet is the large opening in the front of the jail. The solid covering is open most of the time, now. We just have to find a way past the mesh covering that blocks our way out. As for Agent Trouble’s accusation against Agent Luna, I must concur that she is lazy, but then, she is old and should retire. I am sorry, but it is not my fault that Agent Pica is afraid of me. I do nothing to frighten her.
Special Agent Princess, FCIS
I am still awaiting my new orders and wish to respectfully point out that Headquarters has received my final report into the charges of cowardice against Agent Storm, and those of collaboration against Agent Luna. I do try to pull my own weight in the harassment of the jailers. I spend most nights annoying the female jailer and while this is an amusing pastime, I find myself eager to move on to my next assignment.